Colbert quotes

“Torture is only cruel and unusual if we don’t doit that often. From what I’m hearing, it’s becoming cruel and usual. So from a constitutional standpoint, torture is a go!”

“Most disappointingly, my own Catholic Church is against the death penalty. Pretty hypocritical considering they wouldn’t even have a religion if it weren’t for capital punishment.”

“Researchers studying visual signaling have found that cute images stimulate the same pleasure centers of the brain aroused by sex, food, and mind-altering chemicals?. And cuteness serves as an alternative to psychoactive drugs like cocaine. You have not known true euphoria until you’ve done a line of puppies off a stripper’s ass.”

On income taxes: “We’ll never get the big government gorilla off our backs as long as we keep feeding the money monkey with our banana bucks. And it’ll keep throwing its fiscal feces at us. I can run with this metaphor as long as I have to.”

“It’s never okay for men to cry. You know who cries? Girls. And little babies. And little baby girls. A man holds it in. Until his eyeballs swell up to the size of baseballs, his throat feels like it’s about to explode, and his gut just aches like there’s a snake wrapped round his heart. Sure, that’s why we die earlier, but it’s worth it. At least we don’t look weak.”

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