Archive for the ‘Quotes’ Category

Colbert quotes

February 27, 2009

“Torture is only cruel and unusual if we don’t doit that often. From what I’m hearing, it’s becoming cruel and usual. So from a constitutional standpoint, torture is a go!”

“Most disappointingly, my own Catholic Church is against the death penalty. Pretty hypocritical considering they wouldn’t even have a religion if it weren’t for capital punishment.”

“Researchers studying visual signaling have found that cute images stimulate the same pleasure centers of the brain aroused by sex, food, and mind-altering chemicals?. And cuteness serves as an alternative to psychoactive drugs like cocaine. You have not known true euphoria until you’ve done a line of puppies off a stripper’s ass.”

On income taxes: “We’ll never get the big government gorilla off our backs as long as we keep feeding the money monkey with our banana bucks. And it’ll keep throwing its fiscal feces at us. I can run with this metaphor as long as I have to.”

“It’s never okay for men to cry. You know who cries? Girls. And little babies. And little baby girls. A man holds it in. Until his eyeballs swell up to the size of baseballs, his throat feels like it’s about to explode, and his gut just aches like there’s a snake wrapped round his heart. Sure, that’s why we die earlier, but it’s worth it. At least we don’t look weak.”

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Top 10 Quotes from the Surrealists

November 4, 2008

 BAD, GOOD OR INDIFFERENT Image

“Art may be bad, good or indifferent, but, whatever adjective is used, we must call it art, and bad art is still art in the same way as a bad emotion is still an emotion.”
—Marcel Duchamp, “The Creative Act,” Art News, Summer 1957 (more…)

Top 10 Quotes Against Work

November 4, 2008

AMBITION Image

“It was true that I didn’t have much ambition, but there ought to be a place for people without ambition, I mean a better place than the one usually reserved. How in the hell could a man enjoy being awakened at 6:30 a.m. by an alarm clock, leap out of bed, dress, force-feed, shit, piss, brush teeth and hair, and fight traffic to get to a place where essentially you made lots of money for somebody else and were asked to be grateful for the opportunity to do so?”
—Charles Bukowski, Factotum, Black Sparrow Press, 1975 (more…)

Top 10 Offbeat Quotes About Hell

November 4, 2008

BOREDOM Image

I don’t believe in an afterlife, so I don’t have to spend my whole life fearing hell, or fearing heaven even more. For whatever the tortures of hell, I think the boredom of heaven would be even worse.”
—Isaac Asimov, quoted in Philosophy on the Go, 2007 (more…)

Top 10 Mitch Hedberg Jokes

November 4, 2008

On Flyers Image

“Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying, ‘Here—you throw this away.’”

“I want to climb a mountain—not so I can get to the top—cause I want to hang out at base camp. That seems fuckin’ fun as shit. You sleep in a colorful tent, you grow a beard, you drink hot chocolate, you walk around, ‘Hey, you going to the top?’ . . . ‘Soon.’”

“I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It’s a strange piece of machinery . . . We will take the chicken, kill it, impale it, and then rotate it. And I’ll be damned if I’m not hungry! Because spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water! I like dizzy chicken. With a side of potatoes of some sort.”

“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”

“They say that the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, there’s more to it than that. ‘Hey, you want some more homemade Sprite, man?’ . . . ‘Not until you figure out what the fuck else is in it!’”

“I think Pringles’ initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said ‘Fuck it. Cut ‘em up!’”

“I like the FedEx guy, ’cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it! And he’s always on time.”


“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut, I’ll just give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario in which I would need to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend? ‘Don’t even act like I didn’t buy a doughnut, I’ve got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it’s back home in the file . . . under ‘D’, for doughnut.’”

“My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.”

“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”

Source: http://alternativereel.com/includes/top-ten/display_review.php?id=00010

Top 10 Greatest LSD Quotes

November 3, 2008

JERRY GARCIA [1942-95] Image

“Nobody stopped thinking about those psychedelic experiences. Once you’ve been to some of those places, you think, ‘How can I get back there again but make it a little easier on myself?’”
—Quoted in Rolling Stone, November 30, 1989 (more…)

Top 10 George Carlin Quotes

November 3, 2008

ARTISTIC DETACHMENT Image

“I sort of gave up on this whole human adventure a long time ago, divorced myself from it emotionally. It gives me an artistic detachment that I find valuable. I think the human race has squandered its gift, and I think this country has squandered its promise, for the sake of cell phones and Jet Skis.” (more…)

Top 10 Existential Novels

November 3, 2008

FIGHT CLUB [1996] Chuck Palahniuk Image

“It’s easy to cry when you realize that everyone you love will reject you or die. On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone will drop to zero.” (more…)

Good ole’ friends

August 7, 2008

“My friends and I are crazy. That’s the only thing that keeps us sane.”

-Matt Schucker

Drug quotes

August 7, 2008

“It would stop being a business if the United States didn’t want drugs…When something is out of reach, it is more interesting to people. If drugs were like cigarettes or alcohol, there wouldn’t be a black market. It would put an end to the capos.” -Benjamin Arellano Felix, Mexican drug lord, Wash. Post 10/31/2002

“If a man wishes to rid himself of a feeling of unbearable oppression, he may have to take to Hashish.” -Friedrich Nietzsche

“Make the most you can of the Indian Hemp seed and sow it everywhere.” -George Washington

“Marijuana, in its natural form, is one of the safest therapeutically active substances known to man.” -Francis L. Young, DEA judge

“The prestige of government has undoubtedly been lowered considerably by the Prohibition law. For nothing is more destructive of respect for the government and the law of the land than passing laws which cannot be enforced. It is an open secret that the dangerous increase of crime in this country is closely connected with this.” -Albert Einstein